As we quickly approach Bella's high school graduation (tomorrow), I have posted several times--the awards and accomplishments, time hop photos, videos of little Bella. There are so many feels happening, but most powerful one right now is awe. Yes, I have the occasional waves of sadness, which I allow to wash over me and flow on. I am sure the grief will hit me more after they are off to college. However, for now, it is life-giving awe and gratitude that I carry. I tried my best not to imagine my kids' future lives as they were little. I recognized that not only would I surely be disappointed, but the weight of my dreams would be unfair for them to carry. However, I have come to realize that try as I might, there were some assumptions for their future I wasn't even aware I held deep in my soul. The first was that Bella was female and would likely pair up in the future. As Bella has shed the layers of expectation society has placed upon their shoulders, they have realized that gender doesn't feel right on their body. Bella is just Bella and dresses and acts as they feel each day. This blows my mind sometimes, and I am so thankful for the opportunity to consider gender--actually spend time thinking about it. As people, living in binaries and placing others in a box is preferable. It helps us make sense of a wild and unpredictable world. But, what about when it doesn't?! For Bella, the gender binary actually caused pain and dysmorphia. Breaking out of that mold, declaring they are not binary was a huge step in bringing Bella back to us--and themself.
You see, when Bella was a young child, Bella was so free. They were so curious, so loving, so confident in this world. They had no concept of society's boxes. To them, the world was full of awe, love and possibility. As Bella grew up, this utopic world crumbled--as it does for all of us. Bella's response was to always land on the positive side of all binaries. Bella was always kind, always strove to have the right answers, to get the best grades, to jump up to help when needed. To put it simply, Bella was always appropriate. It was easy to be Bella's parent--there was very little parenting required! Both of us were getting an A+ in life. Over time, Bella became less Bella. I didn't notice it at first--or really for a long time. Life went on, we discovered I had a tumor, I recovered slowly, we adopted teenagers, there was a global pandemic. However, in retrospect, I can see so clearly that Bella became much more cautious over time, much more fearful in their approach to all aspects of life. Simply put, the better they fit in the box, the more Bella was dimmed.
Over the last two years, that process has reversed, and watching it happen has been such a gift. Was it always easy? Of course not, change never is. Did I hurt for my child watching them wrestle with who they are and how they fit in this world? Of course, how could I not. Do I worry this world and its binaries are not ready for this amazing human? Every. Single. Day. Would I change a single thing about Bella? Absolutely not, for Bella is fearfully and wonderfully made. The world needs what Bella brings with their authentic self, and God knit that in Bella's design. So yes, these days I am grateful to be living in complete wonder at the gift of Bella, at the fact that I get to be Bella's mother. As I watch them navigate this world with such bravery as they claim their authentic self more every day, I am inspired and I am grateful. Unlike most comments I hear from other parents of seniors, I do not want to go back in time--nor do I want to freeze it. Instead, I want to continue watching in wonder and gratitude as Bella's journey unfolds from my really great front row seat!
P.S. Bella has read and approved this blog post. If you are reading this and cannot treat Bella with all the love and respect that they deserve, kindly remove yourself from their life and mine until you are ready. Their world is hard enough to navigate without your input.
