It has taken a full week of sunshine, quietly lapping waves, and very little on my agenda–other than devouring words on a page–to get back here. Here, where my body is mostly quiet, mostly content, my mind with space to process and glimpse the possibility of peace. Here, where I am noticing a sprout of restlessness, a familiar itch to create. Here, where there is margin.
In the summer of 2023, we (who have worked hard to instill in our kids a good work ethic, and realistic valuation of money) told our kids they would not be getting full-time jobs. This was the outline of expectations we gave during a family meeting:
We would put $ in bank for college for each kid at the end of the summer
Their job was only to earn spending money for the 2023-24 school year
Everyone will ask for Sunday and Thursday off each week so we have family time
Room will be kept clean in order to do social things
Entertain yourself (off screens) and build in your own margin
Do something creative every day
Dad will be working extra, so we will all chip in to help him have margin as well
Reserve time once a week to tackle home project like last summer together—1 hour
Sign up for spot in rotation to cook at least one dinner each week for the family
Tithe 10% to church group of your choice
Do something for family each day—15-20 minutes
Exercise 20 minutes a day–get your heart rate up and spend time outside
Our goal was to give them margin, so they could do the things they needed to for mental health
Last spring, the twins were completing their junior year at Waunakee High School, a year that is known to be grueling, especially for those students looking to earn merit scholarships in college. B was graduating from WHS and had spent the past school year re-learning how to navigate the world, this time without masking autism. Our kids were tired, their mental health was suffering and we wanted to show them that the world’s message valuing constant toil wasn’t worth it. There is more to life–there must be balance. This was our last summer before B launched and we wanted to set it up for enjoyment!
The ironic part of this is that while I was leading them to nurture and protect margin, I was depleting my own. Waunakee Artisan Market–a passion project Rona and I co-chaired, was growing annually, more than doubling in all metrics within its first three years. The growth had felt manageable, after adding a great team of volunteers in year two. By fall of 2023, the growth hit a tipping point that we didn’t realize felt exponential until it was upon us! During this same time period, Rona and I had also begun the work to add a non-profit arm to the village committee, Create Waunakee. While we realized birthing a non-profit would be extra work, I grossly underestimated that challenge. On top of all the regular challenges of creating a board, bylaws, infrastructure, branding, we also endeavored to change the name from Waunakee Arts Vision, Inc. to Create Waunakee, Inc. (which, while worth it to keep our beloved name that was gaining recognition in the community and simultaneously solved the branding issue, added many extra hoops). All the while, prepping B for life away at college.
Once we dropped B off, I realized how little inventory I had for my jewelry business–of course, where was the time and space for creativity amidst all of this?! So, in the midst of WAM prep, and beginning recruiting and planning for the Holiday Artisan Crawl (so that it didn’t sneak up and overwhelm us right after WAM), I was also working frantically to make enough inventory for the market. As if this bag of exciting, yet challenging tasks wasn’t enough, we agreed to plan our first fundraiser for Create Waunakee, Inc. a bit over four months out, on February 17th. Our first meeting was held right after the Waunakee Artisan Market in early October. Fully aware of my increasing exhaustion and body limitations, and the weight of my current commitments (Artisan Crawl one month away, the busiest time of year for N’s Whims–and a promise to slow down during the month of December when B was home), I made everyone aware I would not have a large role in planning this event.
About a week into planning, an opportunity beyond our hopes for CW presented itself and I couldn’t pass it up! In a few weeks time, Tegan Counihan and I launched a collaboration between Main Street Market Piggly Wiggly and Create Waunakee, Inc. The Piggly Wiggly would purchase at full market value up to $5000 of local art, sell it during the lucrative holiday season, and then re-invest the money from sales into our local art scene as they re-stocked their local art market in their grocery store. Participating artists agreed to donate 15% of their income to Create Waunakee, Inc. This collaboration marked our non-profit’s first recurring funding opportunity, and our first ongoing outlet for fair-market sales for local artists. While it was an amazing opportunity for all, it demanded many hours of recruiting artists, setting expectations and process, and marketing. This collaboration launched the week after our Holiday Artisan Crawl. I was now burning the wick dangerously quick at both ends!
I could continue describing the mounting pressures, but I am tiring of typing the repetitive pattern. Every single opportunity was exciting and promising for Create Waunakee. Our inaugural fundraising gala was set to be a striking success, enjoyed by over 350 people. However, even great things can become too much. Suffice it to say that by January, I now resented the constant pressure to be present for CW, Inc (as did my family). Putting out fires, setting up infrastructure, creating more branding, learning how to be an effective non-profit a half-step ahead of doing it. I began warning everyone that once the gala was over, I would only be active with WAM and leading the non-profit board. I now realize I was hoping to hear others give me a resounding yes with permission to breathe earlier than that. And while I heard a few of these, they felt hollow under the weight of all that still needed to be done.
Momentum is wonderful and necessary, but it is also a liar–insisting that if not constantly and wildly stoked, it will be squelched. Yes, attention is fickle, yes there are a million flitting squirrels everywhere attempting to steal our attention elsewhere. However, there is also a growing desire for real and sustainable meaning in our lives, a simultaneous grounding and momentum that calls us back to ourselves in its presence. This is the quiet voice I stopped hearing last year. In its place, I heard the louder voices of ego, growth, and opportunity swirling into a constant cacophony, driving me further from myself as I attempted to tame them through production. Every day for the last four months, I woke up to a to-do list that grew overnight, believing the lie that if I could complete it by the end of the day, the next would hold space for rest. It is only while we are frantically navigating the hamster wheel of productivity that we remain caught in its web of untruths. Without the pause, we believe the lies of scarcity, become slaves of momentum, get tangled in comparison, and deny that we have the freedom to choose the pace of life desired.
Now, at the close of this week away from the constant hum of doing, I realize it was never anyone’s job but my own to say ‘enough’. Why did I look to others to validate my pleas to slow down? Not only that, but in the absence of universal validation to slow down, I didn’t accept the message. Since my illness 10 years ago, I have learned from necessity to amplify the voice of my body, believing she knows best. This is what allows me to live the best life possible post-Pita (the nickname we gave my brain tumor). What in the last year changed my focus?
Throughout the year, those closest to me cautiously asked me if my difficulty taking a step back stemmed from ego. I sat with this, but it did not resonate. I never wanted to head a non-profit. I would much rather fly under the radar in my community than be interviewed for the paper! As much as I have passion for the work we do, I would prefer the luxury of being one worker bee amongst many others. I would 100% be ok not being the president of a young non-profit, and in fact would be happier. However, this week, I sat with the question long enough to decipher the answer. While continuing this pace is not driven by feeding my ego, it does serve to protect it. I didn't want to be a leader in this, but since I find myself here, how do I do the position justice? It was wondering what kind of leader I would be if I allowed others to work harder for the cause than I was?! If I didn’t lessen my friends’ loads when they reached their capacity for stress under the weight of dreams with timelines, what kind of leader was I?! I fell for the lies whispered by my ego, emboldened by the sorrow of brokenness and desperate desire for beauty and community, encouraged by the laws of capitalism, and fully immersed in our culture.
After this week, I know that in order to lead a healthy non-profit–one with steady and sustainable growth, it must come from a different source of strength. It must have enough margin. It requires leadership that encourages balance and honors rest. It requires a resolute dismissal of the mirage that time is a thief of progress. Time is merely a constant. We need the pause between the waves coming in and the waves heading back out to renew us, to make solid choices, to respond measured rather than impulsively react. Without the pause, integrity is endangered, resources are exhausted, and we are not capable of being fully present. Let 2024 be one of margin. No, don’t just let it–don’t blindly hope for it–rather let’s make 2024 one of margin! Nurture margin, grow margin, fiercely protect margin, and then watch margin allow each of us the opportunity to function as fully integrated beings. That, my friends, is the missing ingredient to a thriving creative community!
Cole Arthur Riley from Black Liturgies: Prayers, Poems and Meditations for Staying Human
FOR COLLECTIVE CARE:
“We confess that we are so accustomed to pushing through an exhausted state that we come to expect the same from those nearest to us. We mirror the demands made of us and dissociate from the reality that these demands have harmed us, left us anxious and unwell…. Free us from resentment and envy as we bear witness to the prophets in our lives who practice rest and boundaries well. Let them be our guides into deeper freedom. Help us to never get used to being used. We were made for more. And together we possess the mysterious power of regeneration wrapped up in our bones. May it be so.
Inhale: I deserve more than exhaustion
Exhale: I return home to myself
Inhale: May I rest,
Exhale: that I might dream.
Inhale: I’ve given enough.
Exhale: I choose rest.”
