There were probably many points of softening that happened in his life without me noticing, but the biggest change I noticed was following my blogpost about my teen identifying as nonbinary. About how B didn’t feel they fit in the gender box society constructed for them. They are just B, and that is beautiful.
My parents were visiting shortly after reading it and my dad told me, “B and I are more alike than anyone realizes.” Not going to lie, for a few beats, I thought to myself, “now he is the last person I expected a ‘coming out’ story from!” Then he continued, explaining how his whole life people have put him in boxes he didn’t belong in. For example, his parents wanted him to be a pastor. While he loves Jesus with his whole heart, he truly would have preferred to be an engineer. This life-long pastor has beautifully designed and impeccably built furniture, ponds, and even a two story log-house, without a crane. My dad told me that day that he was amazed at B’s bravery, especially at such a young age.
The conversation moved on to other topics, but those few sentences stuck with me. I think they stuck with him, too. I don’t know if this was the magic key that unlocked things for my dad. I suspect, like many changes, it took a series of nudges before an aha moment jiggled his heart open, allowing him to begin to love himself outside of the binaries–all those conditions that we subconsciously agree to in order to receive love.
Growing up, my dad held very high expectations for us, with little wiggle room. To be fair, he is a man of integrity and held the same expectations for himself. The first time I heard him say he loved me and was proud of me was the summer following my sophomore year of high school. I was leaving the country alone to help rebuild Antigua following Hurricane Hugo for three weeks. It would be years before I heard it again. He was pretty rigid, emotionally distant and in a house with 6 imperfect kids, often disappointed. His love was hard to feel–likely for both of us!
Fast forward a couple decades to a time where he has likely imagined for the first time that he is completely loveable. Perfectly loveable exactly as he is (and was designed to be). Was that the moment the walls caging his love fell? Or was it a slower melting I hadn’t noticed? Did the beginnings of dementia help? Either through forgetting society’s expectations, or facing the inevitable progression? Does it matter, really? To me, the answer is no–for the outcome far outweighs the means.
I truly believe that as he began to love himself without the binaries, unconditionally, he was also able to shed the restrictions on his love for others. Perhaps the true source of judgement is resenting in others what we do not allow for ourselves? I don’t think many people consider the reverse of Jesus’ statement of the second most important commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” This is a radical expectation that usually leads humans to ask, “ALL neighbors, God?!” And while that can often feel insurmountable for even the best of us, I don’t believe it is actually the hardest part. I learned very quickly as a therapist that most humans don’t love themselves very well. The self-talk in most of y’alls heads is not very kind, and frankly that is not the way I want to be loved by others!
He is, by all accounts, a completely different person than the dad of my childhood. We never had a discussion to process this change, but he shows me every time I see him that he is sorry and that he cherishes me fully. This is significant, as I may have been one the hardest of the 6 kids to raise–always too stubborn, too curious, and too outspoken. For a man of a million lectures (he was a pastor after all) his greatest lesson to me has been delivered without words.
His eyes are a window to his soul, now beautifully unencumbered from the expectations the world deems necessary. He exudes radical love–without binaries, boxes, or walls. Learning to love himself unconditionally gave me the dad I long ago gave up hoping for. It is such an unexpected gift!
Take a moment to imagine a world where everyone extends fully unconditional grace and love to themselves. Then, imagine those same people everywhere loving their neighbors as themselves, yes ALL of them. Imagine those same neighbors, because they love themselves, actually receiving and feeling all the love available to them. I believe the greatest goal of every human is to not just grasp our inherent worth, but to claim it with every breath. And in doing so, proclaim the same in every other living thing. Unsurprisingly, Jesus was right, the path to Heaven on Earth is that simple.
